Friday, June 20, 2014

BDSM... A Continuous Jorney

Hello my twisted & kinky lovelies! 
I was excited when asked to join this blog. As many of you know, Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism, or more commonly referred to by just the acronym BDSM is a lifestyle I have be living for awhile. My journey is ongoing, as anyone who undertakes this lifestyle knows is the case, and for the last eighteen years I have discovered things about myself that were pleasant, shocking, and scary.
I want to share with you the highlights of my own journey. But before I do, I need to remind (or educate you) that not everyone's journey in this lifestyle is the same. Not everyone experiences the same interpersonal growth. Not everyone wants the D/s (Dominant/submissive) facet that can accompany BDSM. There is nothing wrong with just enjoying the physical aspects of BDSM without incorporating the mental D/s aspect. Every relationship is different. That difference doesn't mean it's wrong. It is just different from your own.
That being said, before I begin my story, let me share some definitions from Merrian Webster.

  • Bondage - A sexual activity that involves tying a person up for pleasure.
  • Discipline - control  that is granted by requiring that rules or order be obeyed and punishing bad behavior.
  • Sadism - Sexual enjoyment obtained by the infliction of physical or mental pain on others (as on a love subject)
  • Masochism - Sexual enjoyment or pleasure that someone gets from be hurt or punished. 

More recently the DS in BDSM has been given the duel definitions and identification for Dominant/submissive. So, I am including these definitions as well.
  • Dominant - Commanding, controlling or prevailing over all others; a dominant individual in a social hierarchy.
  • submissive - willing to obey someone else characterized by tendencies to yield to the will or authority of others.

Now, I will share my journey with you.

When I first met my husband, I knew nothing about this lifestyle. Sure, I knew about some kink... hell, I had been handcuffed and tied down before, even spanked and smacked during sex, but that just made me a bit kinky....right? Well, this is true for most people and with the popularity of Fifty Shades, sadly, most people still fall into this category. But, I digress. As I said, I did not know this kind of kink was actually a lifestyle until I met my husband...and his then current wife... when they needed a nanny. Go ahead, make your Fran Drescher jokes. I'll wait. 
Okay, not that you have that out of your system, I'll continue. 

It was meeting them that I was introduced to the D/s - BDSM lifestyle. It was his then wife who encouraged my husband and I to enter into a D/s relationship. Now, prior to meeting and moving in with them, I had been highly independent, strong minded, and opinionated. The thought of being submissive equated being weak in my uneducated mind. I soon learned not only was I wrong but I was very, very, wrong. As my education began, I reveled in the self challenge to give up the control I had always held onto with an unwavering grip. The same was true for the BDSM aspects that my husband incorporated into our relationship. I took every bit of pain as challenge to not safeword even though I knew that safewording didn't mean I was weak. For five years (three of which were after his wife left him but that's another story), I was my husband's submissive. I can honestly say that these five years were the most challenging, most enlightening, and most educating of my life. That says much since I have earned two Bachelor degrees. Submitting to my husband waned after we married in 2001. This was due to several factors. Our children had become an age where our lifestyle had to change so that our focus was on them. However, as much as I would like to say that was why we packed everything away in the hope chest, the truth is that my Dominant side was growing stronger. I never really fell into my roll as a submissive. It never came naturally to me. Never BECAME natural for me. Every act of submission was still a challenge, it was almost exhausting, and my husband recognized this. This is when my education shifted and changed direction.

 Over the years, our children grew and my journey in the lifestyle continued slowly. We had part time subs that we shared. Usually, just weekend encounters and we still do this since neither of us has found a submissive that suits our needs (together or individually.) My husband and I 'played' when we could and I still submitted to my husband in a BDSM aspect. I enjoyed the kink and Hell, I still do. Did this effect my education as a Dominant? No, it actually has made me a better Dominant and through my journey and education, have since learned that most Dominants train as a submissive for a period of time. 
Now that our children are grown, we have once more returned to the lifestyle that we both realized we missed greatly. The difference now? I sub to my husband for the BDSM kink only. We are husband and wife who happen to be both Dominants. We can also be open and active in our lifestyle community. The freedom to be around others of like mind and to learn from them, to continue not only my journey but my husband's as well, has been liberating for us both and has only made our relationship stronger.

Now, I am going to shift gears, then wrap this blog up.

With the overwhelming popularity of Fifty Shades, BDSM has become "popular." Sadly though, this popularity is hurting our lifestyle. Most of us who have read the trash that was Fifty Shades are insulted at the unrealistic dramatization of what the BDSM D/s lifestyle  is really about. Yes, this series is fiction but for the general population who know no better (and the fact that this fiction introduced them to the lifestyle), it has caused many people to bypass the proper training and education in order to explore the lifestyle. They are learning from other (now popular) BDSM fictional novels, youtube videos, and websites that often continue to misrepresent the lifestyle. In their haste to introduce the kink that turned them on from reading a book, they do not grasp the totality of the mental component of BDSM and/or D/s. I feel safe in saying that 90% of the BDSM D/s lifestyles are mental and not physical. It is this facet that those who think this lifestyle is abusive miss entirely. It is also what threatens the safety of new Dominants and submissives.

So, I share this with you.

I mentioned the popularity of BDSM novels and as an author, I have written my own. Did I write them because they seem to be the hottest thing on the market right now and they might push up my royalties? No, I wrote Not for Sale and Highest Bidder to give readers a realistic BDSM experience in a fictional novel. So, that being the case, I am giving away two digital copies of the combined novels, Undercover Love.

If you hopped here from somewhere else, thank you for visiting My Twisted & Kinky World. If you are here because you seen my post about the blog, please hop onto see the others on this tour. The tour does not officially start until July 5th so if you are here early, I hope you will come back and hop to the others once the tour is underway.