Friday, June 20, 2014

BDSM... A Continuous Jorney


Hello my twisted & kinky lovelies! 
I was excited when asked to join this blog. As many of you know, Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism, or more commonly referred to by just the acronym BDSM is a lifestyle I have be living for awhile. My journey is ongoing, as anyone who undertakes this lifestyle knows is the case, and for the last eighteen years I have discovered things about myself that were pleasant, shocking, and scary.
I want to share with you the highlights of my own journey. But before I do, I need to remind (or educate you) that not everyone's journey in this lifestyle is the same. Not everyone experiences the same interpersonal growth. Not everyone wants the D/s (Dominant/submissive) facet that can accompany BDSM. There is nothing wrong with just enjoying the physical aspects of BDSM without incorporating the mental D/s aspect. Every relationship is different. That difference doesn't mean it's wrong. It is just different from your own.
That being said, before I begin my story, let me share some definitions from Merrian Webster.

  • Bondage - A sexual activity that involves tying a person up for pleasure.
  • Discipline - control  that is granted by requiring that rules or order be obeyed and punishing bad behavior.
  • Sadism - Sexual enjoyment obtained by the infliction of physical or mental pain on others (as on a love subject)
  • Masochism - Sexual enjoyment or pleasure that someone gets from be hurt or punished. 

More recently the DS in BDSM has been given the duel definitions and identification for Dominant/submissive. So, I am including these definitions as well.
  • Dominant - Commanding, controlling or prevailing over all others; a dominant individual in a social hierarchy.
  • submissive - willing to obey someone else characterized by tendencies to yield to the will or authority of others.

Now, I will share my journey with you.

When I first met my husband, I knew nothing about this lifestyle. Sure, I knew about some kink... hell, I had been handcuffed and tied down before, even spanked and smacked during sex, but that just made me a bit kinky....right? Well, this is true for most people and with the popularity of Fifty Shades, sadly, most people still fall into this category. But, I digress. As I said, I did not know this kind of kink was actually a lifestyle until I met my husband...and his then current wife... when they needed a nanny. Go ahead, make your Fran Drescher jokes. I'll wait. 
Okay, not that you have that out of your system, I'll continue. 


It was meeting them that I was introduced to the D/s - BDSM lifestyle. It was his then wife who encouraged my husband and I to enter into a D/s relationship. Now, prior to meeting and moving in with them, I had been highly independent, strong minded, and opinionated. The thought of being submissive equated being weak in my uneducated mind. I soon learned not only was I wrong but I was very, very, wrong. As my education began, I reveled in the self challenge to give up the control I had always held onto with an unwavering grip. The same was true for the BDSM aspects that my husband incorporated into our relationship. I took every bit of pain as challenge to not safeword even though I knew that safewording didn't mean I was weak. For five years (three of which were after his wife left him but that's another story), I was my husband's submissive. I can honestly say that these five years were the most challenging, most enlightening, and most educating of my life. That says much since I have earned two Bachelor degrees. Submitting to my husband waned after we married in 2001. This was due to several factors. Our children had become an age where our lifestyle had to change so that our focus was on them. However, as much as I would like to say that was why we packed everything away in the hope chest, the truth is that my Dominant side was growing stronger. I never really fell into my roll as a submissive. It never came naturally to me. Never BECAME natural for me. Every act of submission was still a challenge, it was almost exhausting, and my husband recognized this. This is when my education shifted and changed direction.


 Over the years, our children grew and my journey in the lifestyle continued slowly. We had part time subs that we shared. Usually, just weekend encounters and we still do this since neither of us has found a submissive that suits our needs (together or individually.) My husband and I 'played' when we could and I still submitted to my husband in a BDSM aspect. I enjoyed the kink and Hell, I still do. Did this effect my education as a Dominant? No, it actually has made me a better Dominant and through my journey and education, have since learned that most Dominants train as a submissive for a period of time. 
Now that our children are grown, we have once more returned to the lifestyle that we both realized we missed greatly. The difference now? I sub to my husband for the BDSM kink only. We are husband and wife who happen to be both Dominants. We can also be open and active in our lifestyle community. The freedom to be around others of like mind and to learn from them, to continue not only my journey but my husband's as well, has been liberating for us both and has only made our relationship stronger.

Now, I am going to shift gears, then wrap this blog up.

With the overwhelming popularity of Fifty Shades, BDSM has become "popular." Sadly though, this popularity is hurting our lifestyle. Most of us who have read the trash that was Fifty Shades are insulted at the unrealistic dramatization of what the BDSM D/s lifestyle  is really about. Yes, this series is fiction but for the general population who know no better (and the fact that this fiction introduced them to the lifestyle), it has caused many people to bypass the proper training and education in order to explore the lifestyle. They are learning from other (now popular) BDSM fictional novels, youtube videos, and websites that often continue to misrepresent the lifestyle. In their haste to introduce the kink that turned them on from reading a book, they do not grasp the totality of the mental component of BDSM and/or D/s. I feel safe in saying that 90% of the BDSM D/s lifestyles are mental and not physical. It is this facet that those who think this lifestyle is abusive miss entirely. It is also what threatens the safety of new Dominants and submissives.

So, I share this with you.

I mentioned the popularity of BDSM novels and as an author, I have written my own. Did I write them because they seem to be the hottest thing on the market right now and they might push up my royalties? No, I wrote Not for Sale and Highest Bidder to give readers a realistic BDSM experience in a fictional novel. So, that being the case, I am giving away two digital copies of the combined novels, Undercover Love.


If you hopped here from somewhere else, thank you for visiting My Twisted & Kinky World. If you are here because you seen my post about the blog, please hop onto see the others on this tour. The tour does not officially start until July 5th so if you are here early, I hope you will come back and hop to the others once the tour is underway.


18 comments:

  1. Thank you for this wonderful blog post. It has touched me deeply. I am a submissive female and my first master was more into what I would say torture versus BDSM. I have wonderful friends who are introducing me into being a sub to a real master, the one I know who will protect me as I give myself to him fully. I am learning how to trust again finally. Your blog brought tears to my eyes it was so powerful. Seeing the domestic abuse cycle chart really hit home.Thank you so much!
    Kathryn Laprade
    kittyissweet@gmail.com

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    1. Hello Kitty,

      I am touched that my blog helped you. Sadly, it is very common for new subs to be taken advantage of by (usually) new doms. Many sadists hide under the label of Dom. There is nothing wrong with being sadist as long as they find their masochist match and are upfront with the type of play they enjoy. However, S/M is not always a part of D/s. There have been many times that I hit my own line of what I was comfortable doing to a sub as far as giving pain in play and it was not enough to get the sub into their headspace. Doms have their limits too, at least all the good ones I have met.
      I am happy to hear that you have found a supportive friend network. I encourage all new Doms & subs to talk to others in the lifestyle. You would be amazed at what you can learn from just making friends with like-minded people. It will take you some time to learn to trust again but know that it can and will happen, especially when you find the Dom that will fit your needs.
      I wish you much happiness in your journey and invite you to keep in touch (email, FB, etc.) if you ever want to talk.
      Sincerely,
      Brenda

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  2. Beautifully written post. While I do not participate in the lifestyle it is intriguing to me. I am naturally a very dominate personality and have trouble giving up any kind of control. Luckily I found a partner who loves my dominate nature.

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    1. Hi Steph,

      That was me when I was first introduced to the lifestyle as a submissive. For a long time, it was hard to give up the control that was a part of me but once I did it was freeing (for awhile). But over time, my true nature rose to the surface. I still enjoy giving up the control in the BDSM aspect because it is very freeing. Label wise, it makes me a 'bottom' for occasional play even though I am also a Dom.

      Thanks for stopping by my blog for the tour and leaving a comment!
      Best wishes,
      Brenda

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  3. I think the chart will be really helpful to people!

    Trix, vitajex(at)aol(Dot)com

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    1. Hi Trix,

      There are so many aspects to this lifestyle that the conversations and topics could go on for days. It was hard for me to keep this blog somewhat short but I did want to include the differences between the lifestyle and abuse. I hope many will find the charts useful and appreciate those who originally made them for me to find online.

      Best wishes,
      Brenda

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  4. I've not been in a D/s relationship but find it to be a very interesting topic to read

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  5. Hi Lee,

    Thanks for stopping by on the hop! Hope you'll visit again sometime :)

    Brenda

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  6. Thanks for the thoughtful and highly informative post! I love reading about the BDSM lifestyle in books, but haven't really ever considered it in my own life as of yet. I love reading books that get the lifestyle correct. I couldn't bring myself to read the book that shall not be named since I knew that it was crap all the way around. I will definitely be checking out your books now. Thanks!

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    1. Hi Jen,

      Thanks for stopping by! The giveaway for this blog tour is both of the books I have written that are primarily BDSM. They are written realistically and show the true nature of BDSM - D/s in the gay community based on where I live in Tampa Bay. I do have another book in my paranormal series Shadows called Barely Restrained that is a m/m/f. If you'd like to check it out and read the first chapter for free, here's the link to my previews page - http://bcothernbooks.com/previews.html
      The book is the third in the series but they all can be read in any order. (The first in the series is free, BTW :) )

      Thanks again for stopping by and feel free to contact me anytime if you have questions about the lifestyle.

      Best wishes,
      Brenda

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  7. Hi Brenda, I enjoyed your post. Thank you for sharing. I love reading well written BDSM romances however I am not in the lifestyle. Do you ever 'switch' in your D/S lifestyle? Thanks for the giveaway.

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    1. Hi Ardent,

      Well as I mentioned above, I started out as a submissive and am now a Dom. Some people would consider that being a 'switch.' Also, because I bottom to my husband for play, people who are confused or uneducated by the terminology of the lifestyle, consider that aspect making me a 'switch.' However, true 'switches', like true bi-sexuals, (and some people claim there are no such thing in either case) have the need to be one or the other at any given time. On Mon. they may need to sub but on Wed. they may need to Dom. This is the definition of a 'switch' I prescribe to so to answer your question, no, I don't 'switch' in my D/s lifestyle. I do not sub to anyone, even my husband. Please keep in mind that just because someone likes to be on the receiving end of BDSM play, it does not make them a 'switch' or sub. This is frequently the case with true masochists.

      I appreciate your question and you stopping by. If you ever have any other questions about the lifestyle, feel free to contact me and I am happy to answer them if I know the answer. :)

      Best wishes,
      Brenda

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  8. Thank you for sharing your experience, I always enjoy reading how people develop in the lifestyle. What a journey you've been on! I will definitely have to check out your books, given that my favorite BDSM literature is written by people who know what they're talking about from personal experience! Not that one can't write with having done research only, but having the personal knowledge is something extra that I appreciate.

    And thank you for posting those graphics about BDSM versus abuse. It's so important to differentiate. There can be abusive BDSM relationships, of course, but BDSM is not inherently abuse, as you know.

    Thanks for the giveaway, as well! *goes to sign up for stuff*

    (This is Sara Testarossa, by the way, fellow blog hopper, for some reason it's not letting me use my wordpress credentials)

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    1. Hi Sara,

      You are welcome for all of the above! Not sure why Wordpress wouldn't let you log in. Glad you have stopped by and were able to leave a message anyways :)

      Best Wishes,
      Brenda

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  9. This is a really, really great post! Thank you so much for taking the time to write and share this with everyone! To me, this is one of those topics you can not write enough about!

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    1. Hi Rhiannon,

      Thanks for coming by. You are correct that we should have more positive posts on this topic and I think in more places than just FetLife :)

      Best Wishes,
      Brenda

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  10. Some great information shared here, Brenda. Love hearing about how you got started in the Lifestyle. And thank you for sharing the difference between BDSM and abuse. That is very much needed after that book. Loved hopping with you.

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    1. Hey Vicktor!

      Great seeing you here love! Yes, I have to agree that after *that* book which will soon be a movie (*cringes*) that more true life stories should be told. Not just to show how vastly incorrect the popularized idea of BDSM was portrayed but show how everyone's personal experience is different.

      Talk to you soon!
      Brenda

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